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The Funny Side of Being Me

I believe that laughter is a very important ingredient to have good physical and mental health.   As you read these stories I think you will have to agree they made you grin just a little.   All of  these stories are true.  No one got hurt in any of these (except me).   I share these stories because I like to laugh.  When I feel better that helps me fight harder.  Also I think we all should be able to laugh at ourselves and I have had many opportunities to prove that.  Many of us take life to serious,  a good example of this was when I went out on benefits I had a folder that probably had 30 hrs of work that HAD to be done.  Well I never did it and no one ever asked me for it.  I was very guilty of that, and it was at the expense of those I love.  When you find out your days are numbered you really start to think how will I adjust to my new situation and  what does God want you to do till he calls you home.  Well this website is what I believe God meant for me to do.   In the next few pages I hope you laugh and laugh hard and don't take that job or whatever is your  "have to do's" but  enjoy the day like it was your last.  And tell those you love that every chance you get.  OK to the stories:

One of the hazards of the two diseases I  have is Parkinson's makes you want to lean forward and PSP makes you want

to lean backwards.  I have fallen more times  than I can count and learned a lot with each one.  I think it is appropriate to mention that since I was diagnosed I have broken my left foot twice and my right foot three times and twice it was both feet at the same time/  I have broken every rib, my tail bone, a vertebra and have punched myself in the nose twice. Nevertheless  there are funny moments that have been part of this new life.  Although not funny at the time, afterwards there have been lots of laughs and the retelling gets a little grander.

But Wait Your In My Blindspot

Several months ago took a step and heard a pop and instant pain began where a bone was now poking out still under the skin. I knew that I had broken a bone in my foot for about the ninth time.  Dawn carried me over to OrthoCarolina in Monroe and the doctor confirmed my diagnosis.  He put me in a book again and it had been awhile since I had worn a boot as we were walking out Dawn stopped to pay the bill.  I told her I was going on to the car so I could walk and get use to the boot.

When I get to the parking lot I hear a car crank and I notice it was one car down to where we were parked so I headed for my car because I could see here in her mirror.  I assumed she saw me (that assumption was​ wrong).  As ​I walked gingerly across the parking lot the lady began backing out.  She was going in the opposite direction  I was walking so as she backed up the rear of car was coming in my direction.  I realize she was coming back quickly in my direction.  Well I was not very used to the boot  so I was trying as fast as I could to get out of her way.

Finally I realized she was going to hit me.  It wasn't until I grabbed the windshield wiper on the back of her car as my feet were going under her car I started hitting her car with my cane.  It was at this time she stopped the car.  She jumped out of her car and almost yelled "Oh my gosh are you ok you were in my blind spot?"  all I ever remember saying was you ran over me several times.  She said she wanted to walk me to my car and all I was saying was saying "You ran over me"  I never looked at the woman nor could I tell you what color her car was.  As I was getting into our car Dawn showed up and asked "What's going on?"  I said she ran over me .  The woman then ran to her car and drove away like Richard Petty.  Only me.

First Fall was Deer

As you can tell by the title this has to be unusual.  It took place in the fall of some year which I can't remember but i know it was fall because and' I was getting up my mother in law's leaves  and someone killed a deer now you need to remember this deer. I was racking leaves under a big  maple tree and you know that when a maple gets older its root  move up to the surface of the ground and can make it hard to cut the grass and impossible to get the leaves up properly.  As you guessed I fell face first on the roots.  The first thing I thought of was I had no cell phone and I had pain and could not get my breath.  I knew I had broken a rib or two falling on the tree root.  I could not get up because of the Parkinson.  So I decided if I crawled around the other side of the tree and then went about thirty feet I could pull myself up.  (I know you are laughing your head off but trust me it gets better.  I yelled for Help but it was not very loud because of the broken ribs.  This went on for about 45 minutes and my strength was quickly going away.  Then I see my black lab Maggie coming to the rescue.  I knew if I told her to go get Maw Maw she would.  She comes looks at me and i tell her to go get Maw Maw.  She immediately jumps up and ran...in the wrong direction...to our empty house.  She soon reappear and brought the hind quarter of the deer (see I said he would return.)  and decides that sitting by my head and eat it was the best thing she could do. By now i am completely exhausted and Maggie was happy as she munched on the terrible smelling lunch,  This is where I said some things I try not to say.  The smell was awful.  I thought I was going to be physically sick.  In the next five minutes everyone began to show up.  My sister-in law got there first and asked what most people would..."Why do you have your face in the dirt"  well by then I was able to find my humor and I told her I had seen an ant go in a hole and I was trying to figure out where he went".  I broke three ribs and both feet but little did I know there would be many more,

 

Why Lawn Mowers should have Seat Belts

Remember when it rained and rained i think it was 2013. Anyway I decided that I would get on the lawn mower to help Dawn out.  Well everything was going well until the  mower got clogged with wet grass.  Well I got off the mower, clean out the clogged grass and when I start to get  up on the mower, something  I forgot to tell you that somewhat important,

I had had balancing issues earlier in the day but I thought they gone away.  I felt like I was leaning forward.  Well apparently iit came back as I was mowing because when I went to get back on the lawnmower and it has nothing to hold on to I just went head first into  the ditch.  A man happened to be driving by and when I did not get up he stopped and asked if I was hurt and needed to call E911?  I told the nice man that I had Parkinson's and I was like a turtle if he would just turn me over I would be fine, The man reluctantly turned me over and he ask "You sure you need to be doing this?  I said sure that was a fluke and thanked him for his help.  He sat in his car and watch for a few minutes and then drove away.  Well I fell off the lawnmower seven times in about 20 minutes.  After the seventh time it was about time for Dawn to come home.   Well she walks right in and ask "How many times did you fall off the lawnmower?"  I had no idea how she knew and then she told me, "first of all you have not finished the side and I have never known you to do that and second of all you have grass in your hair, ears, all over your back so tell me did you get hurt".  Well I was now.

Never Bring A Duck to Church

Last Sunday was Homecoming at our church and it was packed. the singing was great  and the sermon was what we needed.  I never take my phone to the  church because someone might call and I think that is rude.  Well I took my phone to show a man who was going to do some work for me how my front porch was laid out.  After showing him my pictures I put it on silent.  Well like I said the whole service was great  and the sermon was exactly what we needed to hear, however  near the end of her sermon there was this sound "QUACK, QUACK, QUACK" and then I realized it was my phone.  Sheer terror came over me and I and my wife tried to be discreet and turn it off.  That is my signal to take my medicine and then I hear the pastor say "Do I hear ducks?"   l sit on the second row because of my health and she knew it came from me.  She  asked is that a sign I have talked too long?  I just shook my head and I thought here's  another story.

 

Some Elves Like To Fish

This sadly is true but it has a wonderful ending.  This occurred in the Myrtle Beach Bass Pro Shop a few years ago on the day after Thanksgiving. The employees were dressed as elves and I told Dawn there was not enough money on earth for me to dress up as an elf.  Well due my illness I have to walk with a cane. I was over in the part of the store that had the toys and of course Santa was there.  Well to my surprise a young boy walked by me and kicked my cane out from under me.  Thinking the kid did this by mistake and as he was standing there watching me  pick up my cane   I  began telling him why he should be careful when he was around handicap people.  The young  boy (approx 9  years old) smiled and came over and kicked the cane out from under me and said "Your not my dad".  Now I am mad!  As I was  picking up my cane again I told him that  despite the fact I was not his dad I certainly would find his dad and tell him how big his brat son was.  It was at this point I heard someone behind me say "Are you  threatening my boy.  At this point  I turn around and see a man almost twice my size and clearly mad.

 

I explained I was not threatening his son but that he had kicked by cane out from under me  and why that was wrong.  ii no sooner had the words out of my mouth when the boy kicked at my cane but this time I reacted so that he missed it.  I thought to myself that this poor boy was now really in trouble because he had the poor judgement to do it in front of his dad.  At this point I need to point out two important facts: 1) I also had two broken feet and had on boot on both feet and 2)I had made the wrong assumption about the boy being really in trouble for doing it again in front of his dad.  Instead his dad asked is that all he did?  He even missed you this time and he thought I owed his son an apology.  I now knew I was dealing with a man who was shall we say was an idiot.  So I told him I did think I owed his son an apology and walked over to the boy and said "Son I hope you will accept my apology for kicking my cane.  I now understood that it was his father's fault and how he raised him and so I may have over reacted".  I turned around and the man looked like a cartoon character in a Looney Tunes cartoon, you could see his face getting red and redder.

 

He looked at me and said  he was not taking that from anyone and he was about 6 feet from me and he balled up his fist and headed toward me.  I knew I was in no position to fight because he would likely kill me so my strategy was to hope he  missed his mark and I would then lay on the  floor and appear dead.  Just as he was about three feet away the biggest elf you had ever seen was standing beside me and he told the man he should not do this. Did I mention he was huge as a man but he was really huge for an elf.  The man said I am glad you are here this man threatened my son for no reason.  I looked at the elf to explain but his looked told me that was not necessary.  He asked us all to go to the front of the store.  (As a side note if you have ever seen the movie, "Its a Wonderful Life" this elf was my Clarence.  As we approached the front of the store the manager met us halfway and the man said are you the manager I want this man thrown out of the store because he threatened my boy.

 

The manager explained he wanted to hear the story from his employee and Clarence the elf was very accurate in his recalling the story.   The store manager looked at me and ask my name and what was my handicap..  He then looked at the other man and asked his name and for his driver license.  The man wanted to know why he needed his license and the manager explain he was going to take his license and make a copy of it and throw he and his son out of the store and they would never be allowed in not only this store but all Bass Pro Shops.  (Now you know why you go through a turnstile at all Bass Pros.  The man protested loudly and said this was a free country and he knew his rights and he did not choose to give him his license.  The manager remained calm and told him he did have choices.  His first choice was to give them to him and then he would have his employees escort he and his son to the door and they could go home knowing that their days in Bass Pro was overl  Or we could wait for the  Myrtle Beach police to come and ask for his licenses and he was pretty sure they would not get to pick the car they rode in and he  didn't know what would happen to his son.   The man  asked why would his boy have anything to do with it . T he manager told him that if Mr. Roberson did not he would file charges  because his son had committed a felony because it was a felony to even harass a handicap person.  He asked me if his assumption I was legally handicapped and if was I satisfied with how he handled the situation?  Well to make an extremely long story short the man chose to give the manager his license.

 

Not sure if this is funny but I caught a lot of grief from my "friends" about being saved by an elf.

 

PARKINSON'S CANNOT BE TREATED WITH DOG FOOD:

Our family has a black lab named Maggie.  Maggie is 15 years old and is very much a part of our family.  We kept her food in the pantry which is about 3 or 4 feet wide.  One day I decided I would refill her food container and as I was bent over filling the container my balance disappeared (another benefit of Parkinson's).  I fell head first on top of the container.  The lid is half lid and half door flap.   My head landed right on the hinged part of the lid.   I tried to get up but had little success.  As I was bent over I noticed a crack suddenly beginning to appear on the lid.  I cannot believe the manufacter would design a lid that would not hold up a nearly 200 pound man.

 

The crack was getting  bigger and bigger to where my head was now through the lid and quickly  going into the food.  I knew I needed to call for help.   I have an Iphone that is easy to use but not so when your head is  going deeper and deeper into the dry dog food.  I found my phone in my back pants pocket and getting it out with your head in dog food is a skill I  never learned.   Have you ever tried  to use your phone while stuck in a dog food container?  Try it and see.   I called my friend Ann and asked her to find someone to help me. She also called Jack and they got there about the same time.  They are real friends to come help me get out of the mess I had gotten myself into and do it without laughing.  I mean you know it was funny.  A man stuck with his head in dog food  and his butt in the air.  Jack climbed in the pantry but he said "I don't think we can get you out.  We will have to call the fire department." (Because he could not grab on to enough of me  to me out.) I told him no to calling the fire department because I had not lived down the elf story (see above)  and I did not want it to go out on the scanner  - "Man trapped in a pantry and my address.     I told him if he had to use a chain saw to get me out that was fine. 

 

I thought if I had my cane I could get out.  Anne found my cane outside.  She handed it to me and I was able to lift myself up enough for Jack to grab  me and pull me out.  

 

I don't recommend Alpo for a snack. 

 

NAPPING IN THE SHRUBBERY;

While we are on the falling discussion, I was walking (stupidly of course) out on our back deck without  my cane.  There are some days I can.   I did have  on my bulletproof vest when I began to lose my balance.  At the time our deck only had hand rails. (notice I said at the time) and I tried desperately to find something,anything  to grab a hold of and then I noticed that Dawn had planted some beautiful flowers in pots that I was extremely close to falling on.  Well I am happy to tell you the pots I didn't touch one as I began my fall.   Well I fell with the  middle of my back hitting the edge of the deck, into the shrubry hitting my head on a small birdbath on my way to God's wonderful dirt and pine needles.  

 

After regaining my wits I realized I was laying on my left arm with my back (protected by the vest) snuggly against the deck edging and one foot wedged between the arm railing post and holly bushes directly in front of me.    Since i was a shrub diving expert i quickly realized I was stuck.  I reached for my phone and found it to be in the back right pocket of my jeans.  I was laying on my right side.  Have you ever tried to get your  phone out of the opposite end of your jeans with your left hand, well believe me it should be an Olympic event.  Well I called several friends for help and my partner arrived first walked up on the deck and ask "Barry are you here?"  I said yes you walked by me as you went up the steps of the deck.   He looked down at me and said "How did you get there?"   I told him quickly.  He said he  wasn't sure how to get me out of there .   I told him cut the stupid bushes down if he had to.  Well Jerry told me  to raise my arms and I reminded him I was laying on my arm.  He got my foot loose and he pulled me out with one of my arms onto the driveway.  Did I mention Jerry has a bad back.  When all the help arrived one of them   replied "Barry, you  don't ever do anything easy."   Lesson learned always have your cane and sometimes stop and smell the shrubs.  My thanks again to Jerry and the others.  Also I would be remissed to thanks all those who put up railing and a ramp shortly after this incident.

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